After many years of deliberation, my husband and I decided to pack up our children (and my rather pregnant rearend) and make the 16-hour drive to the place of my childhood vacations: Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

For me, the decision to stay at Ocean Lakes was not taken lightly. On the one hand, my family had spent most of our vacation time at either Sea Cloisters (North Myrtle Beach) or Oceanside Village (Surfside Beach). On the other, Ocean Lakes had so many amenities, so we opted to spend our vacation time (and money) there.

Now… Ocean Lakes has been voted “Mega Park of the Year” many times over. And they are very proud of this nomination. But is this vacation right for your family? Read on to find out.

Ocean Lakes Lodging & Comfort

Ocean Lakes has two types of options for lodging – camping (RV or tent), or a VRBO/Airbnb style house rental. We stayed in a house rental, so I cannot speak to the specifics of renting a campsite. However, what I can say is that the overall feel of the complex is something like the Brazilian Slums meets Redneck Yacht Club. Not that the majority of the houses are in disrepair, they are actually quite nice. The problem is they are so tightly packed that you can’t see much other than houses or RV sites. And your neighbors can see right into your windows. So if you value natural light, you’ll have to forego privacy.

This whole dynamic contributes to a troubling effect at night with an obscene amount of noise and lights, so unless your RV or house has blackout curtains or white noise, you can expect some difficulty sleeping. We awoke each night to some combination of “pew pew / vroom vroom / whoop whoop” and the occasional crappy drunken guitar karaoke played by a guy with a mullet. Somebody apparently called the cops on the that dude, which added to the noise of the evening. Thank you, officers of the law, for shutting down drunk karaoke while waking up me up with your sirens. I needed to pee, anyway.

Ocean Lakes Amenities & Activities

The thing that drew me to a trip at Ocean Lakes was two-fold. First, I’d been there as a teenager and enjoyed my time (circa de 2002ish) and two: the amenities. Ocean Lakes has a long list of amenities including mini golf ($5 per game), multiple playgrounds, basketball, cornhole, ice cream stands, and a rather impressive waterpark featuring a pool, multiple baby pools, splash pad, lazy river, and two larger slides for older kids (or kids at heart). So, without further ado, I present to you our favorite and least favorite activities.

Kid’s Favorite

The pool. Close second riding the golf carts. While the lifeguards were obnoxious and the pool was packed, the kids spent the most time here.

Mom’s Favorite

The pool. Close second: mini golf. Each day by 11, the heat started bothering me and I needed a dip. Blame the pregnancy, or maybe I’ve become desensitized to the South Carolina heat. Either way, the pool was a welcome respite from the heat of the beach, because the ocean was a no-go for me. More on that, later.

The mini golf was fine. It was $5 per game, and 18 holes. It was a bit crammed, but the fact I didn’t have to pack all my children into the car to go to a mini-golf course was pretty special.

Dad’s Favorite

The ride home. Truly, the 16-hour car ride home was my husband’s favorite part. There was so much to cover about the hilarity and frustration of our trip that it kept things lively in the car.

Least Favorite

We’ve got three.

Our first least favorite thing about Ocean Lakes is the beach. That’s up next.

Our second least favorite thing about Ocean Lakes was the obnoxious behavior of the guests into the late hours of the evening.

And our third least favorite thing about Ocean Lakes was the over-the-top security and lifeguards. Keep reading for more on this.

Ocean Lakes Cleanliness

Okay, guys. It’s time for some real talk. There is something afoot in the Ocean Lakes area with regards to their septic/sewer and the beach. On the Ocean Lakes Beach, there are multiple massive concrete culverts that dump some sort of greenish sludge water out onto the beach and into the ocean. At first glance, it looks like a fun little tidepool. But put on some polarized lenses, and you’ll clearly see this water is not ocean water. Initially, I thought maybe this was to divert water from the ocean into the “lakes” sprinkled throughout Ocean Lakes, but those never rose and fell with the tide. Huh.

Then my husband asked a beach patrol officer who said he has no idea where the pipes come from and outright stated he wouldn’t let his kids near the outflow. Then I started looking around Ocean Lakes and noticed similar looking culverts near the “ponds,” and the water looked similar, too. But what was hanging over some of those ponds? Looks like septic tank pipes if I’ve ever seen them…

Naturally, this led me to question WTF was going on and who was sampling the beaches. What a pandora’s box I opened. Turns out, the Department of Environmental Services tests the beaches for none other than Enterococcus, which happens to live in the GI tract and genitals.

Can someone please explain to me how/why “stormwater drains” are draining genital and gastrointestinal bacteria onto the beaches? Well, that’s not suspicious at all. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the septic-looking pipes overhanging sludgy water that has an identical culvert to the one leading onto the beach.

It’s fine, folks. Seriously, let your kids splash all day. Except maybe don’t, because I read the requirements for a “swim advisory” and you’d basically have to reach total confluence in the micro lab before any warnings are issued. Ignorance is bliss until your family mysteriously develops a UTI, bacteremia or endocarditis while on vacation.

Ocean Lakes Staff

Front Desk

Ocean Lakes front desk staff was very friendly. They even have a new process for checking people in to help traffic flow better on 544. I’m sure everyone on US-17 appreciates that streamlining, even if it still gets clogged and congested on check-in day.

Lifeguards

Maybe it’s the people frequenting the establishment, but I found the lifeguards to be completely arbitrary and overwhelming. And maybe on a power trip. During our first weekend there, there were no lifeguards on duty, and it was total anarchy in the pools.

But guarding my pregnant belly in a public pool from triple-decker chicken games would prove to be bliss compared to the following days, when the lifeguards were on staff. The lifeguards were constantly whistling at everyone about everything, in what seemed completely random corrections of behavior. For three days, we were able to use our swim bubbles without issue, until one day, we weren’t. I totally understand the need for safety, but if you’re within arm’s reach of your child, a swim bubble is safer for a non-swimmer than nothing or, Heaven forbid: a PUDDLE JUMPER. Leave me alone.

And then there was the incident on the splash pad. I witnessed a lifeguard trying to “move” a small toddler away from a slide so another child could go down. In doing so, she pushed him off a stair, and I’m not sure whether he was scared or hurt, but the tears and screaming were very real. The lifeguard did not try to console him, and I’m not sure where this child’s mother was. That’s a conversation for another day. The whole scene was heartbreaking, and my kids were so overwhelmed by the splash pad shenanigans that they did not partake a single time.

Security

Another point of contention was security. This was totally over the top and seeing twenty security guards huddling up before the golf cart parade actually made me feel less safe than had they not been there. Why does Ocean Lakes need that many security personnel and no less than f-o-u-r actual Horry County Police to manage a GOLF CART PARADE?! This seems like overkill, unless it isn’t, in which case maybe Ocean Lakes should address the overall culture of their “award winning park.”

And while we’re on the topic of security, can someone please explain to me why my cooler with waters in it is a threat to the wellbeing of the populace? Never in any of my visits to anything in New England have I ever been told I cannot have a cooler, much less received a “friendly” time-stamped note on said cooler telling me that security had seen my contraband and it needed to be removed. In a place where unconcealed weapons are allowed without second glance, it feels like priorities are a bit out of place. I’m pregnant and my kids are tiny, my cooler is less of a threat than whatever heat you’re packing and it will stay, thank you very much. This feels next level controlling and is not how I want to spend my vacation.

And then there is gate security. These guys have attitude. My husband was returning from a Walmart Excursion when security gave him a very WTF gesture after looking at our window tag which didn’t expire until the next day. This wasn’t the first time gate security seemed less than friendly when trying to identify who had the correct window clings. Maybe they need wristbands (like Disney) or color-coded window clings to help avoid this issue in the future. Let’s make it realllll simple, y’all. So much for Southern hospitality.

Worth the Drive?

This truly pains me to write. My kids were so excited to go to Myrtle Beach, and we drove through storms and insane traffic to make this trip happen. I have visited Myrtle Beach no less than 18 times, going once every year as a young girl and into my twenties. But in the words of my five-year-old “Myrtle Beach is disgusting.” While the Ocean Lakes facility looks nice from the outside, take a look under the hood and I found too many negatives for me to recommend this madness to anyone. Myrtle Beach has changed, folks, and this is where we will have to part ways.